


Rules of the OT3 House

by TheCrazyGeek



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Funny, M/M, Multi, Rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-08
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 05:57:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCrazyGeek/pseuds/TheCrazyGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The OT3 House is where Jeremy, James and Richard live. This is a list of rules pinned up in the place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules of the OT3 House

**Author's Note:**

> First ever Top Gear slash I wrote (originally posted on Livejournal)

**Rules of the OT3 House**   
  


All bills to be paid on time

Each member of the house has their own office, and is responsible for keeping it in whatever state they desire. No complaining about each other's.

Selection of the Sunday evening film will be done on a rotational basis

Hello! Magazine is banned from setting foot in our Den of Ultimate Sin, aka The House

Advance notice of any visitors must be given to all house mates to avoid walking in on rampant sexings

Cig and pipe smoking is allowed in the house, especially after orgasms

Jeremy is not to clip his toenails in James’ or Richard’s cars _(I'll clip them into your tea cups then - Jez)_

Jeremy is not to clip his toenails using bolt-cutters 

James isn’t allowed to put clean linen on the bed after EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex _(seriously James, a bit of sweat isn’t gonna kill you – R)_

Richard is delegated the task of cleaning the carpets since he’s the one tracking engine oil over them all the bloody time

Cleaning the bog cannot be done with a shotgun or chainsaw _(Sez who? - Jez)_

No-one is to do doughnuts on the front lawn

Hammond isn't allowed to eat the lube _(om nom nom nom - R)_

Jeremy isn't to hack into Richard's computer and change all his mp3 collection to Pink Floyd tunes

Richard isn't to hack into James' computer and set it to play fart noises constantly

James won't hack into Jeremy's computer and fill the drive with weird porn because Jeremy actually likes it _(I didn't like the donkey porn you found – Jez)_

No dinner shall contain Castrol GTX

No shagging on Oliver's bonnet ( _it took me weeks to get rid of the dents you two put there – R)_

Arguments over the ownership of the TV remote each evening will be settled by a blow job contest

No 'accidentally' crashing cars into James' shed _(seriously guys, it's not funny on camera either – J)_

Spare set of keys for the handcuffs is kept downstairs with all the car keys

It is perfectly okay to wake any member of the household up with a slow hand job _(hint hint – R)_

Motorcycle parts can only be kept in the bath if sexings are not planned for it later

No making smoothies out of Richard's haircare products _(fair enough, it did taste disgusting – Jez)_

The nipple clamps are kept upstairs in the box under the bed, the jump-leads are kept in the garage. Stop confusing the two.

No using James' precision tool set as impromptu dildos _(yes it did take me hours to clean them – J)_

Jeremy to buy more fire extinguishers

Not to smear each other with chocolate on the white bed linen _(even after multiple washes it looks like Top Gear Dog has shat all over them – J)_

Open the bathroom windows if you are taking a dump in there _(especially you James, what HAVE you been eating?? - Jez)_

The phrase “well bugger me” is taken literally in this house

Whoever came the fastest makes the tea afterwards

Each weekend a member of the house must read some TG slash fiction and then the house mates must re-enact it. Bonus points for new kinks.

A leadership board is kept in the lounge, points are awarded for speed, style and handling in the categories of solo, dual and teamwork. The actual scoring system for different types of sex is on James' computer since he's the only one who can be bothered to work it out. _(it's actually rather fascinating - J)_

No shagging Jeremy on the staircase _(seriously guys I got major hassles from the physio after – Jez)_

No visible bite marks on any house mate on filming days. It's pissing Andy off.

Anywhere else on the body is fair game though

Shagging in the cars is encouraged, though not while they are doing speeds in excess of 70mph

Shagging ON the cars is okay if permission of the car's owner is obtained first _(God this is getting me horny – R)_

Giving each other sultry looks during filming to try and cause one or more to forget their lines is fine and encouraged _(It's getting me pretty worked up too – J)_

Try not to break into the Top Gear set out of hours to shag in every part of the studio, at least without bringing bribes for the security guards _(guys, I've got literally the biggest hard-on in the world here – Jez)_

Jeremy to wank himself off in front of Hammond at least twice a week _(oh god I want you – R)_

James to tie Richard down and debauch him while Jeremy watches each weekend _(come on you two – I don't think I can hang on much longer – J)_

Richard and James to be thrown onto the bed and thoroughly fucked by Jeremy right now _(You two. Upstairs. NOW - Jez)_


End file.
